Milestones or Mileposts (You choose)

      Okay, okay. I give in. Daughter and friends keep bugging me to write - and I keep waiting for inspiration.

     And it suddenly just hit me: today's date. The third of the month. Exactly two years and nine months to the date. And I wonder why I am obsessing about this. I've always cautioned bereaved friends to honor the birthdates of deceased loved ones, not death dates. And here I am, ignoring my own advice. I don't really understand why.

      I think the main reason is that I have thus far failed to "take shape," as it were. I've yet to find a purpose - or a new identity - or some sort of goal. I'm stuck out here in Never-Never-Land, with no real identity of my own. Oh, sure - I have identity, per se, but it's a leftover from the days when I  was defined by marriage and "wife-ism." And that was a 24/7 constant. Now I'm a now-and-then grandmother - and a singer in the chorale - and my identity is as "Chuck Parry's widow."

      I'm not a "clubber." Women's clubs, garden clubs, book clubs, country clubs hold no appeal for me. And it's always been thus - that's just my personality. And I've run the gamut of church groups, community organizations, political groups. It's the old "been there-done that."

     I've thought of volunteering at the animal shelter - but I'm such a sap when it comes to pets, I'm afraid I'll become that "weird old widow who has 40 dogs and 60 cats." I've thought of volunteering at the library - too quiet - and I like to talk and be talked to. No to volunteering at the hospital - too depressing and reminiscent of what I've already been through.

      Travel holds my interest - but there is one major drawback: the dog. He's 15 years old now, still grieving the loss of his beloved master - so I have to go somewhere where dogs are welcome, or leave him behind with friends. And if anything should happen to him while I'm away, I'd never, ever forgive myself.

      I have one ray of hope - and that is a winter return to Key West. I did that for 3 months winter before last, developed some wonderful friendships and a life of my own - and certainly enjoyed the weather. Nothing like sunshine to chase the blues away - and Key West holds no memories for me as half of a couple. I can take the dog with me - and there is SO MUCH going on in that town all the time. No excuses for feeling bored and/or lonely. I'm hoping to luck-out and find a place to stay that doesn't cost $800 a night.

     My other hope is that our 9-month-old twins will cut some teeth and learn to walk before I go away. Those are milestones I really, really don't want to miss. They are at such a cute age, and every new skill or accomplishment is positively endearing.

     Another milepost is the clock, which has now passed the midnight mark, and it's time for this weird old widow to go to bed, perchance to dream lovely dreams of a time when life was filled with love and hope. And maybe tomorrow will bring a happier day and a new milepost to discover.